Looking to Fill My Cup

I’ve been obsessively listening to the song “Safe & Sound” since the first of August.  That’s when I suddenly learned that I had lost my job.  This job had finally made me feel safe after the anxious years of my divorce. Since I love to parse words, I linger a moment over the word “lost”.  One seems to be able to lose a job as simply as losing keys.

I felt comfortable in my job. In retrospect perhaps this was not a good thing.  When we get comfortable in any relationship we lose our edge.  Then maybe we are at risk of losing that job or person through inattention.  Was I inattentive?  For sure I was naïve and chose to only see the positive. Therefore, I didn’t see “it“ coming which is what bothers me the most.  Why did I not learn this from my divorce? So let’s say that I was not paying attention to what could happen. And then it happened.

If we look closely at life we will see that both good and bad things generally happen in equal measure.  I’ve become fond of sprouting the phrase to “expect the unexpected”.  There are always good things and bad things happening to us all the time.  Our bike gets stolen by someone who needs it more than we do; in a library book we find a Dunkin’ Donuts card with money on it!  It’s the rhythm of life and not directed at us personally.

Sometimes other people are the beneficiary of good things and this should encourage us.  Blake, one of Brian’s friends, recently applied for a job he was not qualified for but which serendipitously led him to one he was perfectly qualified for.  He was as surprised at this good turn of fortune as I was at losing my job.  This suggests that even when we make mistakes they have the potential to lead us to the right things.

So it’s rush hour – me on the subway.  Per usual, to pass the time I scope out guys.  I love being a woman who covertly acts like a guy! I’m looking for tall, strong Malboro men, not always easy to find in Manhattan.  I have this simple yet crazy desire to stand near them. Maybe just for a second to feel like I’m standing near a solid oak tree, maybe a majestic Douglas Fir or even a Redwood!  I maneuver myself into closer proximity.  Just me doing what I need to do to feel less vulnerable and pretend for a few seconds that this big guy has got my back.  Maybe it’s too much to expect that this stranger will lift me up, show me what I want see, take me where I wanna be.  But my sky is falling down and I need to feel safe and sound.  Even in a hurricane you could be my luck.  I’m waiting for you to fill my cup.

 Yes, I’ll hold my ground. I’ll be safe and sound.


One thought on “Looking to Fill My Cup

  1. The Cub says:

    Nance has actually spurred me to be more bold on the train… not that it has led anywhere. If a guy is blatantly checking me out on the train I actually start laughing. Ok, so you’re undressing me with your eyes… clearly this is sustainable. Hairflip.

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