Thoughts on life on a gloomy Monday: Resist the urge of falling in love with an idea. It’s often so easy to fall for what you envision a relationship to be; to put on the rose-colored glasses and fall for the reality that is not in front of you but rather what you want it be, often what you doggedly believe could happen.
If I just work at it with him I know he’ll grow up and be better.
I’m sure my influence will rub off on him and our interests and ambitions will merge.
Well he’s only a few degrees off from everything I want so I can just work at it and I will get him there.
It is these ideas that get us into the most trouble. They can make us lose ourselves by trying to better someone we care about. They’re so dangerous because they are anything we want them to be and therefore the attachment is strong, in most cases, overshadowing the person they encompass. These relationships becomes driving factors in our life. They do not make us better or center us, but rather become goals we always reach for to no avail. I am a firm believer that anyone who makes you lose your sanity is not worth the effort and so often it is falling in love with an idea that gets us into these toxic situations.
Thinking we can make someone change is inherently flawed logic. As it’s in my personality to naturally think that my beau will imprint on my own shining example, I get in trouble for thinking I can change the people I fall for. This is a sure-fire way to end up becoming a hot mess. Yes, people can sometimes incrementally change as you grow together, learning to appreciate the same nuances, loosening to become more flexible, etc. However, people often don’t change when you want them to, and only do so on their terms, if at all. Basing a relationship on the hope that change is around the corner leads to an unstable foundation and an unsustainable couple.
At the end of the day, if you have to envision something other than reality, is the man you’re with worth the effort? I adamantly say no. Mulling over my friends’ previous man issues I have noticed that all of the thoughts I mentioned above proved to be common occurrence with old flames. I too have been caught up in the current of an idea, falling head over heels for a goal removed from reality. Coming out on the other end, I now strive to be realistic, still unyielding with my high standards. No one will ever check off all of the boxes but if you go into a relationship already thinking about issues you wish you could change, I say run for the hills before shit hits the fan.