Confessions of an Ice Queen

1501597_968241743822_621430820_oI’m a self-proclaimed ice queen. They say the best way to get help is to admit that you have a problem, though I’m still on the fence on whether or not I have a problem.

What does “ice queen” mean? Well for one, I’m inaccessible. Yes I wear my sunglasses around frequently on the subway, have resting bitchface, and often come off as bougie and aloof. But hey I’m a gay New Yorker….

More fundamentally, I find it hard to fall for anyone and in turn it’s hard for anyone to readily read that I’m into them. When I let loose it’s with restraint. I don’t have a stick up my ass but I do have an inability to let all inhibitions go in order to connect with other people. Also sorry gays, I don’t want to go on Grindr and get Herpes. Seems like I’m in just the city to warm me up, no? WRONG. My iciness is perpetuated here.

Sometimes I think am I doing what trolls do, telling myself that I’m “focused on my career” because I’m simply not that desirable? But then I always think nahhhhhhh.

What would be worse: being 30, married, and unaccomplished, OR being 30, wildly successful in a dream career, and ready to meet someone for the long-run? I’d always have to choose option 2.

I’ve managed to avoid heartbreak from my previous relationships but to the same vein, I’ve never been in love. Yes I’m guarded – That’s not a surprise. Dear Cameron, who loves nothing but love, says that I can’t comment on things I don’t know about, but another friend once told me I’m the perfect person to comment on the affairs of the heart. Why? I’m removed, I think rationally, almost clinically, and I don’t let feelings get in the way. Who knows which perspective is correct? Though one thing I do know for sure: I will never again chase after someone I have to convince to like me.

Get ready for narcissism that I see as self-assurance: I am a catch. No one needs to validate that. It’s really a mentality I tell my friends that they should all embody. I don’t know if you personally are a catch but if you don’t believe that you are, then you are lost. If you don’t prize me then keep walking – at the end of the day the only constant is yourself. Assess your merits and find someone who thinks those shining qualities make for the ideal partner. Is it so much to ask to find someone who will court me, be enamored by my brilliance, and keep me interested? Maybe that last point is currently the biggest hurdle – Because hey, my iciness comes with high standards.

Getting it in more helped. Moving to a new job where gays abound is finally breaking my icy exterior. I do feel like I’m moving in a direction where I’m improving, career-wise and simply in regards to myself. Is the ice thawing? I can’t really say (probably not) but for the time being I’m embracing me while still thinking about ways to change for the better. I’ll try to work toward a softer countenance but frankly I think I’d rather continue to build on myself, building accolades and making myself a better catch for the man I envision finding down the road. I’m not one to wait but I guess at this point in my life I have the flexibility to do so.

I’m a self-proclaimed ice queen. Ice has made strong and I for one would rather be made of ice than silly betch tendencies. Is it something I need to fix? Who the hell knows, but for now it suits me just fine.

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